“As My Condition Allows”

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying, really trying, to get out of the house more often. I plan on writing about a couple of those outings in the very near future.

Unfortunately, in my condition it’s hard to plan anything.

So far I haven’t been able to stay out very long. An hour here, a few minutes there – I just don’t have the energy for more, when I have the energy at all. And I’ll admit it, that really bothers me.

Back in November, when we first started the Get Lee Out of the House stage of treatment, I still thought healing would be a linear progress. Each day, week, month would see some measure of improvement, and eventually I’d be back to my old self, or something near it.

But cancer doesn’t work that way. No serious illness does. You don’t go from bad to good. There are good days and bad days mixed up in no particular order. And maybe sometimes there are good moments within those bad days.

The problem is that I never really know what kind of day I’m going to get. So I can’t commit to things the way I used to. I just have to look for the moments. those little windows when I can see people or be seen, and try to make the best of them before they close. So “as my condition allows” has become too much a part of my vocabulary.

Unfortunately, lately my condition hasn’t really allowed. Symptoms and side effects have been beating me up, and the procedures and prescriptions I’ve been given to deal with those don’t always work as they should. So I’ve been a little less sure about committing to visits from friends, or visits to friends. And it’s been wearing on my mind.

I’ve missed out on a lot over the last year. And I’ll likely miss out on more before things get better for good. I feel like I owe a lot of apologies to a lot of people who have shown a lot of patience and understanding. So I hope you’ll consider this post at least a step in that direction.

I miss you all. And I hope I’ll be up to see you soon. Until then, thank you for everything…



2 thoughts on ““As My Condition Allows”

  1. Janette Martinez says:

    Cousin, I don’t have your disease, but know exactly how you feel. What the mind wants and what the body can do are off in their own directions or just “stuck”. You lay there looking at things you never noticed…cobwebs, number of tiles, counting imperfections…Also not wanting friends or family to see you at your so “vulnerable state”. I believe God really made me Concentrate on Him, making me Realize just how Weak & Helpless I truely am. How small my Granule really is…years of this….good hours with bad hours… Completely Humiliation. I can only tell you to have Complete Trust in Him, Thank and Praise Him, Focus on The Unseen and those of The Everlasting. Love you Cousin and don’t Apologize for things You Have no Control of… Remember God Is In Control.

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